just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
