You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
