My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
