Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
