He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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