just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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