sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
