Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
