ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
