You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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