so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Randomize
