Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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