This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Randomize
