Ambien. No doubt about it.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize