There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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