Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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