Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Please don't give away my fajitas
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
