What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
