i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
