Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
