Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
