Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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