I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
