you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
