things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
