Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
