I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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