Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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