I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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