OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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