so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
