You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
