So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
We need to get me chipped asap
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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