oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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