i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
