We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
