i dont even know how to be here
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
