I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
