Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize