we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
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