We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
