every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
