Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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