You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
