he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
