no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i drank out of a bidet.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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