You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
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