i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
