How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
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