her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I wish there were birth control emojis
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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