Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
