I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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