Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
