she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
a search helicopter?!
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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