he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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