dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
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