Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize